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Love just knows how to heal.

When I first met Eric through a video screen I wasn’t sure what to expect… Just because of previous heartbreak and terrible ex boyfriends.

But as soon as we had our first Skype session I knew deep in my soul and in my heart he was the one for me.

I was watching him sleep last night, he just has this tendency to be absolutely adorable in every way but especially when he sleeps.

Eric has such a strong will but a beautiful soul.

He would never hurt anyone.

We have been in a relationship since October 2014.

Married since July 2019.

I have learned so much about myself and him in the last few months.

I know our relationship will always be strong, due to our extreme long distance we dealt with for 5 years.

I feel like we are always still learning and exploring each other.

It’s an amazing feeling being with someone from such a different upbringing then I had.

He truly has the most beautiful family and extended families.

….not knocking my own cause I love my DAD SIDE the most 😉 

He is so patient and kind. I aspire to be the beautiful human being that he is.

He is incredibly talented and smart.

He can take an idea and turn into something so spectacular while the rest of us are just barely grasping the idea, he has taken it and turned it into fruition.

Eric usually has a camera in hand, to express his amazing creativity.

I often get emotional at night, as some of you know I have terrible sleeping patterns due to the abuse I suffered as a child.

Most times I just lie there and I cannot close my brain or body down to rest.

Not many people know this but Eric has a tendency to snore quiet loud at times.

He has been much better since we have been sharing a bed for the last few months.

When I would hear him on Skype snoring away I was so mad and annoyed because it had a tendency to be SO LOUD over the microphone….

But now, experiencing it in first hand with my own ears it is almost comforting.

Now, keep in mind if he does get too loud I give him a gentle shove with my arm…

I just wanted to write out in this post how much he meant to me, I could go on for days about how much I love him and how happy he makes me.

He deserves recognition in every way.

I am so proud of how far he has come in just the short time we have been together.

I am so thankful to God for leading Eric into my life.

I have never taken a moment for granted.

My life was shit before he came into it.

I was depressed and hadn’t even touched the memories of my abuse.

As I sat downstairs in our living room, crying to my father and brother about what I had remembered my mother had done to me, I had this laptop in my hands and of course Eric was there listening because he wanted to be apart of this moment.

We had only been dating 5 months at that point.

All previous boyfriends would have tucked in their tail and gotten the fuck outta there…

But he stayed. And still continues to this day.

I will forever remain faithful to him and show that I love him every day.

I promise to take our marriage vows seriously and not to follow in my mothers footsteps.

He has taken a broken human and put all my pieces back together.

Anytime there is a piece that falls off, he is there to pick it back up and put me back together…

That is TRUE LOVE

TRUE LOVE is seeing the absolute worst of someone or their situations and continuing in that moment to LOVE them.

I am forever thankful.

I write a lot about my abuse and past in this blog but I wanted to add a happy moment.

Eric is my happy moment.

He always will be forever and ever.

xoxo

Karen

Gamergirldelux

 

 

 

It’s been difficult but I am stronger because of this.

I don’t know why, maybe it’s the lack of sleep or approaching holidays….

I feel sad.

But in the ways I feel sad are different from you or maybe someone else.

I mourn.

I feel after 4 years of remembering things from my past I am still mourning that person that I was….?

But as the trauma happened so early it’s as almost as if I had no identity before this trauma?

Even though that person was incredibly messed up.

She was unhealthy.

But it’s almost as if I would prefer that lie to have a family whole again.

I wish they would understand how difficult it is for me to just come to terms that this happened to me.

Not just once.

Many times.

I was controlled and conditioned and manipulated and used as a tool for years.

By a woman who knew nothing about being a mother or wife.

I struggle to establish an identity because I feel I will always be like her in a way…. Sometimes a bad way….

Sometimes I think of this in a good way.

As evil as she was

She had some good moments.

Then I feel guilty.

Because I feel those good moments were tainted and fake. That I should have known.

Even though at the time I was sort of happy or in denial that anything awful was happening…..

Looking back it’s just sick and tainted.

Because I knew.

But I was in complete denial.

I fucking loved denial.

It allowed me to be a somewhat normal person of society.

So I see why people do it.

I see why people allow themselves to get beat up by their wives or husbands.

I see why people stay in abusive relationships.

I see why people don’t want to believe their loved one has hurt another secretly for years.

I know that denial.

I was that denial.

It sickens me to see others in such deep denial as I was.

But I can’t hold on to this anger and hate.

Denial doesn’t serve anyone except the most evil of people.

It doesn’t serve me a good purpose.

I must move forward and remember to account for myself and that not all things that cetain people do are with evil intent.

I must learn to forgive.

I have done awful things.

I’ve said even worse things.

Yet I’m still here.

Do I believe I deserve to be punished?

Yes and no.

I was an enabler for my abuser to find more children to abuse.

I helped.

But

I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong until it was way too late.

Years later.

What would you do?

I want to tell the whole story one day.

When I’m ready I will tell it here and everywhere.

Everything I remember.

Until then I’m going to keep focusing on healing and recovery.

And trying to piece together who I am and who I want to be.

I will come out of this as a stronger woman, wife and hopefully one day a mother.

Xoxo

Gamergirldelux

Karen Didier ♥️

FIRST PUBLIC SPEAKING EVENT IN THE USA

YOU CAN WATCH THE MOVIE CLICK THIS LINK -> EXCLUSIVE EVENT! URBAN MISFITS VIDEO!

 

“Oh my god… WHY did I think this was a good idea…” 

Those were my first thoughts upon arriving to Arts @ Large Center in Milwaukee.

About 3 weeks ago Eric (my hubby) had asked me if I wanted to be apart of a project that they had going on for his birthday.

The project was in no way related to his birthday but to his company and they wanted to do a small segment on mental health and struggles. All I was told is that I would speak in front of a small crowd about what had given me the most trouble or what had been troubling me personally.

Well….

IF you have followed me at all or my blog you know I suffered years of physical and sexual abuse at the hand of my mother.  I use that title loosely because she is not one in any sense, shape or form.

I have been diagnosed CPTSD by a psychologist in Canada.  CPTSD stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is different from PTSD in the sense of it being much much more of a structured mess and complex as the first letter C states. There are frequent interpersonal problems and lack of emotional regulation. I am not a professional but I suggest looking in to it. It has helped me heal partly and has been very rewarding to know that I am not as crazy as I think I am. It provided relief.

In saying that, I didn’t want to divulge too much information at this event knowing that my family would eventually see the results of it on social media.

I am not supported by some of the family, I was told I was seeking attention and that I got carried away or made things up. LIAR! they said.

This was probably more hurtful then the pain I ever endured at the hands of HER but I chose to confide in strangers and that really made me feel so much better knowing I wasn’t the only one who had this happen to them.

I decided I wanted to help more people. I said YES to Eric and we went ahead with the event and on the way there I was very nervous. I helped them set up and it was a small intimate gathering which made me feel a little bit better but not by much!

We all were given numbers written on our hands.

The leader Q went first and explained the event and what was going to happen with the numbers.

I was number 1 so I went up onto the stage and told my truth. (I was scared to see what would happen) 

I told those 30 individuals that I had been physically and sexually abused by a female family member off and on for 20 years. I saw shock and my voice started to shake and I continued. I wanted to tell my TRUTH. I told them how from 11-18 I wanted to kill myself, that I was so suicidal I would think about it all the time.

(I forgot to mention but this was being recorded and filmed as we had all agreed to be apart of this project for the Urban Misfit Ventures)

I didn’t want to stand up on the stage too long as it was extremely difficult on me, but I continued in saying what I wanted to mention from the start….

WE ALL GO THROUGH SHIT. ( I didn’t say shit but I wanted to!)

No matter your life story and trauma and past…. 

YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE.

YOU DESERVE TO LIVE.

I also made a point to mention that I had an Instagram where people had reached out to me and told me what had happened to them and I was heartbroken but felt purposeful at the same time.

I was so glad that people felt safe enough to reach out to me, a complete stranger to tell me their truth and their past.

I had people tell me in GRAPHIC detail what had happened to them.

IT’S ALMOST AS IF it was the first time they had told someone and even though it was simply text messages I could tell how much lighter this human being felt after telling me what had happened to them.

But what really hurt my heart is that sometimes a stranger would mention that it was no extent to what I had been through, that they should just get over it and it wasn’t that bad.

This made me so angry.

They deserve to mourn what had happened to them.

WE DON’T DECIDE WHAT IS TRAUMATIC AND WHAT IS NOT.

WHETHER IT HAPPENED ONCE OR 200 TIMES.

YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY

“IT WASN’T THAT BAD.” OR “YOU HAD IT WORSE”

NO. ENOUGH.

I give you every right to grieve.

PLEASE let yourself CRY and never ever compare your trauma to someone else’s.

NO ONE has lived YOUR LIFE!

ONLY YOU have lived your life!

When I was finished I was wiping away tears and got a few random hugs from strangers, these are people I had never met before but willingly went out of their way to say “Thank you for sharing” or “You are so strong”

This was moving as painful as it was to get up there and be like “OH BY THE WAY THIS HAPPENED TO ME” it was a bit of a bombshell but I wanted to start the group off on the right foot and if I had said my powerful truth I had hoped others would come forward and tell us what they had been struggling with.

It had worked.

I feared that I would get up there and say this and not one person would say anything afterwards. 

But to my shock and surprise…..

EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the entire room came up and said something powerful with what they had struggled with.

I was blown away as it was supposed to be an experimental project I am so glad with how well it went.

To the people that came to the event: You are so strong and I am so glad you decided to share a piece of yourself that was so vulnerable with complete strangers and know that I only want to pass along my good vibes and love to you and wish you well in this crazy thing we call LIFE.

It was truly a life changing experience.

I want to do it again and again until I do not cry anymore.

You never know what the person next to you is going through, the strong happy friend may be hiding their depression exceptionally well…

I encourage you to reach out to them and truly ask them if they are OKAY.

Reach out to family and friends. 

Co-workers

Students

Acquaintances 

Children

Strangers (if you feel comfortable doing so)

We are all going through something and sharing it will make it easier to bear….

I promise.

We can get well together.

We just need to start the conversation.

Start now.

 

xoxox

 

Gamergirldelux

(Karen Didier)

Please visit www.urbanmisfitventures.com

or follow them on social media:

URBAN MISFIT VENTURES TWITTER

URBAN MISFIT VENTURES INSTAGRAM

LINKED IN OFFICIAL PAGE

 

 

 

Protected: My most personal post.

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Being positive is hard work.

It’s legit hard.

Like learning the piano hard.

Like wanting to smash the piano cause it’s so fustratingly hard…..

I don’t know how I do it some days.

And some days I don’t bother. (Which I should bother because I am in control of my day)

My future hubbs wakes up every morning saying “good morning beautiful”

My very first thoughts are usually shut up and let me go back to sleep.

BUT

Even if I don’t like hearing that in the morning. It’s what I needed.

I need a different ritual in the morning.

Mornings all my entire childhood and adolescence were extremely trying and difficult and painful.

As much as I’d like to slap Eric for telling me good morning. Because mornings are lame!

I kinda also want to hug him. And thank him for giving me a different view about mornings.

I admire him so much.

It’s amazing how he can get up and be so chippy and be a little energizer bunny and take on the day so quickly and he does it without even blinking. He knows that today will be a good day.

But me? Not so much. At least those are NOT the thoughts and feelings that I go through in the morning.

I start to feel like myself come 12 o clock

Possibly because I am finally awake and aware of what the heck is going on.

Before noon I like to observe. I like to be cautious with myself and not get overloaded with thoughts or worries for the day.

Way easier said…. Then done…

I guess I just love how no matter what the day brings Eric is almost always positive. And that makes me happy to have someone there that can see the good things and the bad but tells me to focus on the good. To believe good things.

I’ve done so much in the 4 1/2 years we have been together. I don’t think he would recognize me about 6 years ago.

I was a promiscuous party animal who was wounded and thought her love could be given to any man in any bed.

I never wanted to be like that. But I thought well ” I don’t deserve anything good so oh well”

I always thought of myself as being selfish or rude for wanting good things for myself. But that’s fucking normal. It should be normal to have some sort of belief in yourself. And I had jack shit. Less then that. Negative jack shit. Below negative jack shit.

It’s weird that being kind to myself in my brain has helped me grow as a person and become more patient and understanding.

Some days I still feel awful and want to go back to my own self loathing ways because it’s easier to be negative then positive. But then I think seriously. What is the point? I know if I go back to that I will be unhappy. But I think it’s more to due with the fact that being sad and depressed and worthless are VERY VERY comfortable feelings for me. (Sounds weird I know)

I was beaten down mentally to the point of this by my childhood and society and ex friends and family members.

Being happy was almost always taken away from me by someone or something. So I figured if I was sad people would leave me alone and I wouldn’t have to let anyone in.

That was easy for me…. But it was a waste of my life and my potential.

Being happy is new. And different.

And just world changing I guess.

I try not to get to excited because I worry that I will again get everything taken away from me. But I know I’m allowed to let myself feel good about certain things. And that’s okay.

So overall mornings still kinda suck

But

They don’t suck so much anymore.

And maybe one day….

They won’t suck at all.

Don’t be afraid to be happy every now and then. And don’t be afraid to let out negative emotions as well. I know people who smile alot also have been through trying times.

Xoxo
Just be you.

Gamergirldelux

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