Its been a while. Since I have written out how I’ve felt.
Things have been pretty good recently. My mood is good. I am going to the gym more often which has helped with my mood. Except for today which I will get into.
I guess I just want to express my well wishes for anyone who reads my blog or has suffered similar experiences.
Children that have been sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused don’t always grow up to be contributing to society…. It is incredibly difficult for us to have a normal day to day life. I know personally, I get too overwhelmed with a routine because I believe it to be so mundane but it actually protects me from being depressed even if I think it doesn’t. Its hard to explain…. without Eric or a job I probably would be dead. I never felt I had contributed much to society and some days it does feel like too much effort to fake a smile and pretend to the rest of the working world: “IM JUST LIKE YOU! LOOK AT ME I CAN FUNCTION NORMALLY LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE” (only I am not most days) Most of the time I cannot make eye contact with people because I am terrified when I look into others eyes I will be hurt.
Blue eyes. They definitely haunt me the most. It doesn’t matter who it is or what they are doing. If you have blue eyes and I meet you for the first time. I CANNOT look at you. and I WILL NOT look at you.
Why? Because its absolutely terrifying and it reminds me of everything I try and forget.
But I can’t forget it….
Because it happened.
I have been recovering my memories since early 2015. It has been a difficult task that I would never ever wish on ANYONE. There are particular memories in which I know every detail whether it be sound, smell, sight. the pattern of my breathing etc. Those scare me but I acknowledge and it is comforting knowing I have remembered each part of those memories (they are big events usually, longer sessions of abuse I suppose)
There are some memories I still have problems with and am only just now trying to put together into my head. THESE are the memories that haunt me. Like the blue eyes.
I have troubles with people and glasses. My abuser wore glasses a lot when I was a child and often I would see my reflection in them and to this day when I look at someone (who may or may not look like my abuser) I cannot see their face. I see the glasses. and it terrifies me. Just that single object. Because I know with time I will be able to look at those memories but right now they are so scary and painful all I can do is try not to cry when I’m working my fulltime job pretending to be a normal functioning person of society.
To not have your abuse validated.
That IS ABUSE.
Simply because they cannot accept the fact that they didn’t know or that no one told them or that because I didn’t say anything I must be making it up. OR that I must have liked it or maybe I deserved it.
I hate denial.
and that’s funny because its coming from someone who would have fought tooth and nail for her abuser. I was in such a strong denial state I would do anything for HER.
Including trying to be exactly like her in every way.
Even writing this I feel the urge to delete it all and just suffer silently…
Because maybe there is someone out there reading this that has been through similar abuses or travesties. I am writing this for you. Not for me because I feel I don’t deserve it. But someone else out there maybe isn’t quite there to remember yet or maybe its just starting…. I am here for you. I BELIEVE YOU.
Please stay strong out there.