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JANUARY THE MONDAY OF MONTHS. /update Support is DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT.

January is exactly thirty one days too long.

It is the MONDAY OF MONTHS.

I hate January.

It is depressing and long and nothing happens in January.

This month has been a LITTLE difficult for me. I have not written in a while and definitely have felt the need but had not the motivation to carry out the task.

I have broken my laptop due to my own stupidity. I spilled water all over the keyboard in the middle of the night. It may have been my cat but I’d rather not blame her because she is pretty darn cute 99% of the time. Obviously that water damage has made it not function properly and all it can do is make noise. I am however able to charge my FitBit which is a plus! (I suppose there is always a bright side to some things!)

Along with this my stress was rocketed by my car needing necessary repairs totaling close to 500$

My loving hubby has been very supportive. ❤

Support has been a hard thing to comprehend my entire life. “Support” was only offered if I had something to give my abuser in return.

It is formulated on a toxic relationship as some of you may know or have experienced.

Lots of interactions in life usually begin with something nice, in order to gain trust predators do this. They start off with a compliment or task. If you do this, then this will happen. OR sometimes it is met with an ultimatum. IF YOU DON’T DO THIS…. bad things will happen. IF YOU DO THIS… good things will happen.

When this is done at a very young age it messes with your brain and your perception of future relationships.

I cannot take compliments nor can I give them without guilt, shame and hesitation.

If someone is nice to me I assume its because they want something and need something from me and my body goes into a panic.

Irrationality and fear take over. Under normal circumstances anyone who probably hadn’t been abused or traumatized would probably disregard these thoughts as what they are which is fear based and irrational.

For Truama Survivors It kicks our brains into over drive. Time to Fight or Flight.

I understand people with anxiety and depression can have this response as well but ours is different.

DANGER DANGER DANGER

Alarms are going off before you know whats even going on.

As a survivor you are expecting and will assume the worst. You know the worst is coming and you brace yourself for what will come. What you KNOW and FEEL will come. You are hyper vigilant and you are anticipating the persons words and actions before they begin before they even know what to say or do, you feel deep in your heart that you know their dark intentions.

But then….

You are wrong.

It was just a compliment.

No one was hurt. No physical contact was made. Nothing was expected of you except to take the compliment politely.

That my friends, takes some getting used to.

I say to myself with people who are rude and nasty I know their intentions. Where as if I find someone who is nice and kind and I find myself on the defense thinking: “Okay what do you really want…”

There is nothing wrong with what we do. We do this in order to survive.

The hard part for me is to distinguish friend and foe, which I still have issues with and I might always have issues… It is a work in progress.

So if someone lashes out at you over a compliment or you lash out at someone. Take a step back. Rethink.

What is making me defensive here?

That…. very well could be your answer.

Just something to think about.

Til next time.

xoxo
Gamergirldelux

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Filed under: abuse, blog, cptsd, gamer, gaming, Uncategorized, WATERLOO

About the Author

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My coping with CTPSD my adventures in life with my partner in crime Eric, and any other things I find interesting along this ride we call "life" Born in Canada currently living in the USA

1 Comment so far

  1. Hey Karen!
    I decided to flee Twitter but yet also wanted to let you know I’m still around. The upside of abandoning a lot of social media, however, is maybe I’ll put some time back in blogging, especially with Julie/Cimmy and our Journal Jar blog.
    I can deeply empathize with you on the fears with support, when our abusers made so much of it conditional. I am (still) working with Angie Atkinson and her other life coaches at QueenBeeing to deprogram from Narc Mom’s mess. It’s not easy at all because Cimmy and our eldest kid MM find themselves stuck and besot with her behaviors. Actually, one thing I am working on with life coach Colleen Brosnan right now is learning how to react less- as you said, “What is making me defensive here?”
    And I can very much relate to having a supportive spouse- cheers to Eric!
    Take care
    Jonathan

    Like

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