I’ve always been a side character. Someone in the background.
I was never the main part. She was. And sometimes still is. I struggle daily. Because I still don’t know if I am myself or her or someone else entirely…. The abuse happened very early. Before diapers. (From what I can piece together without falling apart)
Growing up the amount of control I had over myself was limited. I was a shell of a human being. I feel I still am most days.
Alot of my abuse at the hands of my abuser was identity based and the things she would say…. I would absorb them like the sponge I was. All kids are sponges. Especially at young ages. That’s why they take over our mannerisms or they have our problem solving or the way our voices crack when we are sad. We attribute alot to our children just by exisiting. Some of things she would say “oh you like this” (well not really no)
“If they smile at you, you like them and vice versa”
“You are thinking about girls aren’t you?” (I’m most definitely not…. I don’t even know what you mean. I’m 5!)
This abuse was severely projection based from her and put on to me. I was the outlet. The punching bag. The sponge. I took what she said and internalized it. Made it mine when it wasn’t mine to have or want. I didn’t understand it. I just assumed we were exactly the same because who doesn’t want to be like their maternal figure? I thought the things we were doing were good and helping people and myself and especially her. To this day I don’t know if it’s a memory I had or she had (the smaller less detailed ones)
Some of these are still so painful to go through. They sit up on my shelf until I am ready. Which I may not ever be ready but who knows?
Even now sitting in the bathtub I have a small sense of impending doom that she will find out I’m thinking for myself. I’m living my life the way I want to. That will all come crashing down on me because I HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE SAYS in order to survive.
I know I don’t have to do those things anymore.
I got so used to doing them. It was normal for survival for me and for her.
She would be happy for me and us and be in a better mood for the family.
I felt I held the family together doing these things to her and for her and being just like “her”
When i was around my abuser I had a physical face to attach these awful thoughts and the bully in my head. But since we have cut contact I have been getting better but some days the bully is just as bad and evil as if she was right in front of me.
It’s an obsession to not be like her to not think like she would to not be like she would etc. I beat myself up mentally and emotionally for not being tough on myself.
I need to learn to give myself room.
Room to experience emotions and let them pass no matter what they are or say or whatever. Let it be in my head without picking it apart.
I’m laughing at this thought ” I almost wish it was a devil or spirit that was torturing me because then it might make sense to some” because I battle with a ghost that is no longer there physically. But because she has beaten me up mentally and emotionally for so long I don’t know how to move on without her.
I feel as some days I can have moments of peace. Though they are brief I am slowly working on trying to put a conscious effort to fight for myself in myself.
I feel as though there are quite a few parts that make up myself.
The feelings with the abuse.
Her past/thoughts/things she would tell me
And then somewhere in there maybe about 15 percent of my brain is me…. I want to fight for that space. I am going to make it mine. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to listen to that voice inside my head. I claim no ownership to it. It is not mine. It can exist. But I will not let it destroy me.
I can do this.
I can become the main character I was born to be.
Thank you to my loving husband for giving me some amazing words of encouragement last night and today. I love you so much. I used that phrase probably 50 times today. 💕 I will keep doing it. I will keep fighting for you and for me and for us.