It’s legit hard.
Like learning the piano hard.
Like wanting to smash the piano cause it’s so fustratingly hard…..
I don’t know how I do it some days.
And some days I don’t bother. (Which I should bother because I am in control of my day)
My future hubbs wakes up every morning saying “good morning beautiful”
My very first thoughts are usually shut up and let me go back to sleep.
Even if I don’t like hearing that in the morning. It’s what I needed.
I need a different ritual in the morning.
Mornings all my entire childhood and adolescence were extremely trying and difficult and painful.
As much as I’d like to slap Eric for telling me good morning. Because mornings are lame!
I kinda also want to hug him. And thank him for giving me a different view about mornings.
I admire him so much.
It’s amazing how he can get up and be so chippy and be a little energizer bunny and take on the day so quickly and he does it without even blinking. He knows that today will be a good day.
But me? Not so much. At least those are NOT the thoughts and feelings that I go through in the morning.
I start to feel like myself come 12 o clock
Possibly because I am finally awake and aware of what the heck is going on.
Before noon I like to observe. I like to be cautious with myself and not get overloaded with thoughts or worries for the day.
Way easier said…. Then done…
I guess I just love how no matter what the day brings Eric is almost always positive. And that makes me happy to have someone there that can see the good things and the bad but tells me to focus on the good. To believe good things.
I’ve done so much in the 4 1/2 years we have been together. I don’t think he would recognize me about 6 years ago.
I was a promiscuous party animal who was wounded and thought her love could be given to any man in any bed.
I never wanted to be like that. But I thought well ” I don’t deserve anything good so oh well”
I always thought of myself as being selfish or rude for wanting good things for myself. But that’s fucking normal. It should be normal to have some sort of belief in yourself. And I had jack shit. Less then that. Negative jack shit. Below negative jack shit.
It’s weird that being kind to myself in my brain has helped me grow as a person and become more patient and understanding.
Some days I still feel awful and want to go back to my own self loathing ways because it’s easier to be negative then positive. But then I think seriously. What is the point? I know if I go back to that I will be unhappy. But I think it’s more to due with the fact that being sad and depressed and worthless are VERY VERY comfortable feelings for me. (Sounds weird I know)
I was beaten down mentally to the point of this by my childhood and society and ex friends and family members.
Being happy was almost always taken away from me by someone or something. So I figured if I was sad people would leave me alone and I wouldn’t have to let anyone in.
That was easy for me…. But it was a waste of my life and my potential.
Being happy is new. And different.
And just world changing I guess.
I try not to get to excited because I worry that I will again get everything taken away from me. But I know I’m allowed to let myself feel good about certain things. And that’s okay.
So overall mornings still kinda suck
They don’t suck so much anymore.
And maybe one day….
They won’t suck at all.
Don’t be afraid to be happy every now and then. And don’t be afraid to let out negative emotions as well. I know people who smile alot also have been through trying times.
Just be you.