I don’t know why, maybe it’s the lack of sleep or approaching holidays….
I feel sad.
But in the ways I feel sad are different from you or maybe someone else.
I feel after 4 years of remembering things from my past I am still mourning that person that I was….?
But as the trauma happened so early it’s as almost as if I had no identity before this trauma?
Even though that person was incredibly messed up.
She was unhealthy.
But it’s almost as if I would prefer that lie to have a family whole again.
I wish they would understand how difficult it is for me to just come to terms that this happened to me.
Not just once.
I was controlled and conditioned and manipulated and used as a tool for years.
By a woman who knew nothing about being a mother or wife.
I struggle to establish an identity because I feel I will always be like her in a way…. Sometimes a bad way….
Sometimes I think of this in a good way.
As evil as she was
She had some good moments.
Then I feel guilty.
Because I feel those good moments were tainted and fake. That I should have known.
Even though at the time I was sort of happy or in denial that anything awful was happening…..
Looking back it’s just sick and tainted.
Because I knew.
But I was in complete denial.
I fucking loved denial.
It allowed me to be a somewhat normal person of society.
So I see why people do it.
I see why people allow themselves to get beat up by their wives or husbands.
I see why people stay in abusive relationships.
I see why people don’t want to believe their loved one has hurt another secretly for years.
I know that denial.
I was that denial.
It sickens me to see others in such deep denial as I was.
But I can’t hold on to this anger and hate.
Denial doesn’t serve anyone except the most evil of people.
It doesn’t serve me a good purpose.
I must move forward and remember to account for myself and that not all things that cetain people do are with evil intent.
I must learn to forgive.
I have done awful things.
I’ve said even worse things.
Yet I’m still here.
Do I believe I deserve to be punished?
Yes and no.
I was an enabler for my abuser to find more children to abuse.
I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong until it was way too late.
What would you do?
I want to tell the whole story one day.
When I’m ready I will tell it here and everywhere.
Everything I remember.
Until then I’m going to keep focusing on healing and recovery.
And trying to piece together who I am and who I want to be.
I will come out of this as a stronger woman, wife and hopefully one day a mother.
Karen Didier ♥️