It’s been difficult but I am stronger because of this.

I don’t know why, maybe it’s the lack of sleep or approaching holidays….

I feel sad.

But in the ways I feel sad are different from you or maybe someone else.

I mourn.

I feel after 4 years of remembering things from my past I am still mourning that person that I was….?

But as the trauma happened so early it’s as almost as if I had no identity before this trauma?

Even though that person was incredibly messed up.

She was unhealthy.

But it’s almost as if I would prefer that lie to have a family whole again.

I wish they would understand how difficult it is for me to just come to terms that this happened to me.

Not just once.

Many times.

I was controlled and conditioned and manipulated and used as a tool for years.

By a woman who knew nothing about being a mother or wife.

I struggle to establish an identity because I feel I will always be like her in a way…. Sometimes a bad way….

Sometimes I think of this in a good way.

As evil as she was

She had some good moments.

Then I feel guilty.

Because I feel those good moments were tainted and fake. That I should have known.

Even though at the time I was sort of happy or in denial that anything awful was happening…..

Looking back it’s just sick and tainted.

Because I knew.

But I was in complete denial.

I fucking loved denial.

It allowed me to be a somewhat normal person of society.

So I see why people do it.

I see why people allow themselves to get beat up by their wives or husbands.

I see why people stay in abusive relationships.

I see why people don’t want to believe their loved one has hurt another secretly for years.

I know that denial.

I was that denial.

It sickens me to see others in such deep denial as I was.

But I can’t hold on to this anger and hate.

Denial doesn’t serve anyone except the most evil of people.

It doesn’t serve me a good purpose.

I must move forward and remember to account for myself and that not all things that cetain people do are with evil intent.

I must learn to forgive.

I have done awful things.

I’ve said even worse things.

Yet I’m still here.

Do I believe I deserve to be punished?

Yes and no.

I was an enabler for my abuser to find more children to abuse.

I helped.

But

I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong until it was way too late.

Years later.

What would you do?

I want to tell the whole story one day.

When I’m ready I will tell it here and everywhere.

Everything I remember.

Until then I’m going to keep focusing on healing and recovery.

And trying to piece together who I am and who I want to be.

I will come out of this as a stronger woman, wife and hopefully one day a mother.

Xoxo

Gamergirldelux

Karen Didier ♥️

Published by Gamergirldelux

My coping with CTPSD my adventures in life with my partner in crime Eric, and any other things I find interesting along this ride we call "life" Born in Canada currently living in the USA

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