Trying to be the main character in my own story.

I’ve always been a side character. Someone in the background.

I was never the main part. She was. And sometimes still is. I struggle daily. Because I still don’t know if I am myself or her or someone else entirely…. The abuse happened very early. Before diapers. (From what I can piece together without falling apart)

Growing up the amount of control I had over myself was limited. I was a shell of a human being. I feel I still am most days.

Alot of my abuse at the hands of my abuser was identity based and the things she would say…. I would absorb them like the sponge I was. All kids are sponges. Especially at young ages. That’s why they take over our mannerisms or they have our problem solving or the way our voices crack when we are sad. We attribute alot to our children just by exisiting. Some of things she would say “oh you like this” (well not really no)

“If they smile at you, you like them and vice versa”

“You are thinking about girls aren’t you?” (I’m most definitely not…. I don’t even know what you mean. I’m 5!)

This abuse was severely projection based from her and put on to me. I was the outlet. The punching bag. The sponge. I took what she said and internalized it. Made it mine when it wasn’t mine to have or want. I didn’t understand it. I just assumed we were exactly the same because who doesn’t want to be like their maternal figure? I thought the things we were doing were good and helping people and myself and especially her. To this day I don’t know if it’s a memory I had or she had (the smaller less detailed ones)

Some of these are still so painful to go through. They sit up on my shelf until I am ready. Which I may not ever be ready but who knows?

Even now sitting in the bathtub I have a small sense of impending doom that she will find out I’m thinking for myself. I’m living my life the way I want to. That will all come crashing down on me because I HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE SAYS in order to survive.

I know I don’t have to do those things anymore.

I got so used to doing them. It was normal for survival for me and for her.

She would be happy for me and us and be in a better mood for the family.

I felt I held the family together doing these things to her and for her and being just like “her”

When i was around my abuser I had a physical face to attach these awful thoughts and the bully in my head. But since we have cut contact I have been getting better but some days the bully is just as bad and evil as if she was right in front of me.

It’s an obsession to not be like her to not think like she would to not be like she would etc. I beat myself up mentally and emotionally for not being tough on myself.

I need to learn to give myself room.

Room to experience emotions and let them pass no matter what they are or say or whatever. Let it be in my head without picking it apart.

I’m laughing at this thought ” I almost wish it was a devil or spirit that was torturing me because then it might make sense to some” because I battle with a ghost that is no longer there physically. But because she has beaten me up mentally and emotionally for so long I don’t know how to move on without her.

I feel as some days I can have moments of peace. Though they are brief I am slowly working on trying to put a conscious effort to fight for myself in myself.

I feel as though there are quite a few parts that make up myself.

The abuse

The feelings with the abuse.

My abuser

Her past/thoughts/things she would tell me

And then somewhere in there maybe about 15 percent of my brain is me…. I want to fight for that space. I am going to make it mine. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to listen to that voice inside my head. I claim no ownership to it. It is not mine. It can exist. But I will not let it destroy me.

I can do this.

I can become the main character I was born to be.

Thank you to my loving husband for giving me some amazing words of encouragement last night and today. I love you so much. I used that phrase probably 50 times today. 💕 I will keep doing it. I will keep fighting for you and for me and for us.

Xoxox gamergirldelux

JANUARY THE MONDAY OF MONTHS. /update Support is DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT.

January is exactly thirty one days too long.

It is the MONDAY OF MONTHS.

I hate January.

It is depressing and long and nothing happens in January.

This month has been a LITTLE difficult for me. I have not written in a while and definitely have felt the need but had not the motivation to carry out the task.

I have broken my laptop due to my own stupidity. I spilled water all over the keyboard in the middle of the night. It may have been my cat but I’d rather not blame her because she is pretty darn cute 99% of the time. Obviously that water damage has made it not function properly and all it can do is make noise. I am however able to charge my FitBit which is a plus! (I suppose there is always a bright side to some things!)

Along with this my stress was rocketed by my car needing necessary repairs totaling close to 500$

My loving hubby has been very supportive. ❤

Support has been a hard thing to comprehend my entire life. “Support” was only offered if I had something to give my abuser in return.

It is formulated on a toxic relationship as some of you may know or have experienced.

Lots of interactions in life usually begin with something nice, in order to gain trust predators do this. They start off with a compliment or task. If you do this, then this will happen. OR sometimes it is met with an ultimatum. IF YOU DON’T DO THIS…. bad things will happen. IF YOU DO THIS… good things will happen.

When this is done at a very young age it messes with your brain and your perception of future relationships.

I cannot take compliments nor can I give them without guilt, shame and hesitation.

If someone is nice to me I assume its because they want something and need something from me and my body goes into a panic.

Irrationality and fear take over. Under normal circumstances anyone who probably hadn’t been abused or traumatized would probably disregard these thoughts as what they are which is fear based and irrational.

For Truama Survivors It kicks our brains into over drive. Time to Fight or Flight.

I understand people with anxiety and depression can have this response as well but ours is different.

DANGER DANGER DANGER

Alarms are going off before you know whats even going on.

As a survivor you are expecting and will assume the worst. You know the worst is coming and you brace yourself for what will come. What you KNOW and FEEL will come. You are hyper vigilant and you are anticipating the persons words and actions before they begin before they even know what to say or do, you feel deep in your heart that you know their dark intentions.

But then….

You are wrong.

It was just a compliment.

No one was hurt. No physical contact was made. Nothing was expected of you except to take the compliment politely.

That my friends, takes some getting used to.

I say to myself with people who are rude and nasty I know their intentions. Where as if I find someone who is nice and kind and I find myself on the defense thinking: “Okay what do you really want…”

There is nothing wrong with what we do. We do this in order to survive.

The hard part for me is to distinguish friend and foe, which I still have issues with and I might always have issues… It is a work in progress.

So if someone lashes out at you over a compliment or you lash out at someone. Take a step back. Rethink.

What is making me defensive here?

That…. very well could be your answer.

Just something to think about.

Til next time.

xoxo
Gamergirldelux

Ugh here we go again part 2

I thought I had finished all my crying last night. LOL cropperoutput-1965752549

I was very wrong.

A long distance relationship is full of ups and downs but obviously the major downs is when the other person leaves.

Its heart wrenching but you want to get it over with as soon as possible. Almost like ripping off a gigantic band aid that pulls every hair out of your body.

I feel more blessed and organized this trip.

Eric and I got a lot done with my Instagram and he motivated me to clean and reorganize my room.

In my room now I actually have work space and few other items to help me be motivated to achieve my goals.

It is incredibly difficult when the one you love so much is so far away and only gets to see you maybe 4 times a year.

Please don’t take what you have with your loved one for granted.

I see so many couples just on the daily taking for granted what they have. Imagine if you only saw that person through a computer screen. You never got to hold them after a especially bad day. So many people my age/my generation take this for granted and I feel like they don’t even bother to learn how to communicate properly and move on to the next relationship when they don’t want to put through any effort when it gets difficult. That is our society in a sense, if something doesn’t work a few times or it isn’t what we thought. We give up. We toss it out. We start over. It’s sad when couples do this because of long distance because it is so achievable to be together. You just have to plan! I have seen some many couples further away then Eric and I and they accomplish everything they want and even have kids. Its so inspiring for me to see this. ❤

So you are not alone in this big world. There are plenty of us on the internet. IF you ever want advice on a LDR (long distance relationship) just ask me I’ve been doing it for 4 years. 

There are so many other couples out there like us and some of them don’t even get to visit for years.

So if you are in a long distance relationship, please know there is a light at the end of the never ending dark tunnel.

There will be a time when you don’t have to say goodbye anymore.

Hang on to that hope because it gets you through the hardest days.

Remember to take care of yourself and your love.

So I’m going to be taking the day to sleep and eat good food and exercise.

Bye for now.

My eyes hurt from crying.

 

giphy1

 

 

 

 

It’s been a while/thisdoesnotmakesense

Its been a while. Since I have written out how I’ve felt. 

Things have been pretty good recently. My mood is good. I am going to the gym more often which has helped with my mood. Except for today which I will get into. 

I guess I just want to express my well wishes for anyone who reads my blog or has suffered similar experiences.

Children that have been sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused don’t always grow up to be contributing to society…. It is incredibly difficult for us to have a normal day to day life. I know personally, I get too overwhelmed with a routine because I believe it to be so mundane but it actually protects me from being depressed even if I think it doesn’t. Its hard to explain…. without Eric or a job I probably would be dead. I never felt I had contributed much to society and some days it does feel like too much effort to fake a smile and pretend to the rest of the working world: “IM JUST LIKE YOU! LOOK AT ME I CAN FUNCTION NORMALLY LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE” (only I am not most days) Most of the time I cannot make eye contact with people because I am terrified when I look into others eyes I will be hurt.

Blue eyes. They definitely haunt me the most. It doesn’t matter who it is or what they are doing. If you have blue eyes and I meet you for the first time. I CANNOT look at you. and I WILL NOT look at you. 

Why? Because its absolutely terrifying and it reminds me of everything I try and forget. 

But I can’t forget it….

Because it happened.

I have been recovering my memories since early 2015. It has been a difficult task that I would never ever wish on ANYONE. There are particular memories in which I know every detail whether it be sound, smell, sight. the pattern of my breathing etc. Those scare me but I acknowledge and it is comforting knowing I have remembered each part of those memories (they are big events usually, longer sessions of abuse I suppose)

There are some memories I still have problems with and am only just now trying to put together into my head. THESE are the memories that haunt me. Like the blue eyes.

I have troubles with people and glasses. My abuser wore glasses a lot when I was a child and often I would see my reflection in them and to this day when I look at someone (who may or may not look like my abuser) I cannot see their face. I see the glasses. and it terrifies me. Just that single object. Because I know with time I will be able to look at those memories but right now they are so scary and painful all I can do is try not to cry when I’m working my fulltime job pretending to be a normal functioning person of society.

To not have your abuse validated.

That IS ABUSE.

Simply because they cannot accept the fact that they didn’t know or that no one told them or that because I didn’t say anything I must be making it up. OR that I must have liked it or maybe I deserved it.

I hate denial.

and that’s funny because its coming from someone who would have fought tooth and nail for her abuser. I was in such a strong denial state I would do anything for HER.

Including trying to be exactly like her in every way.

Even writing this I feel the urge to delete it all and just suffer silently…

Not today.

Because maybe there is someone out there reading this that has been through similar abuses or travesties. I am writing this for you. Not for me because I feel I don’t deserve it. But someone else out there maybe isn’t quite there to remember yet or maybe its just starting…. I am here for you. I BELIEVE YOU.

Please stay strong out there.

xoxox15940430_10154287668373583_1882078017762964680_n

Gamergirldelux.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eyelash Extensions: Worth the hype?!?

We have all seen them. The extensions….

The ones that look so good!

The ones that I’ve heard girls murmur cost “hundreds.”

and SOMETIMES you hear about a famous person having a severe reaction and it sort of turns you off of them…

OR DID IT? 

Continue reading “Eyelash Extensions: Worth the hype?!?”

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