How I loathe it. Why? Well it’s sort of complicated. I’d love to spill all the beans but because of certain situations and people I can’t do so until I move. Anyways. It’s not rocket science to figure out who abused me on and off for 20 years…..
Everywhere I go this week. “Don’t forget about mom she’s the best!” “Get something for mother’s day!” Makes me want to vomit and curl up. It paralyzes me with FEAR.
Oh you thought you would forget that thing she did to you? Ha. Nope. Here it is. In vividly graphic smelly detail. #cptsd
Co workers talking about what they think their kids will make them. I want to tell them to shut up.
I want to cry. I want to die. I want to not exist. I leave my body. I am not myself.
I am her? Am I her?
No. At least not for long…
I want to give up control and do what I have done since I was 2.
I want to run back to the abuse.
I want to lay down and give up.
But I did that for 20 years.
I have to suck it up. I must be strong.
I was a very depressed kid. I can’t go there mentally anymore. As much as I try not to. I’ve come too far to give in and give up on myself.
What if I give in?
What if I don’t?
I get it.
Some people have terrible dad’s and good mothers. I had the exact opposite. And hearing my father and sister utter the word mother sort of breaks me down mentally. How can you call her that?
If I could just show you every touch, smell , memory and feeling. How I’d think you would break and crumble…..
If I showed you do you think you would feel differently or the same?
That’s a scary thought.
Maybe you are more like her then I thought.
What I would give to have someone who loved me for me as a kid. Not someone who saw me as an object of everything she hated. Hatred. That’s all it was. Deep Hatred. Anger.
The memories still knock the wind out of me some days. I can’t breathe.
But I go on.
Because life isn’t easy.
But I know one day maybe with God’s plans and Eric I can live an easier life then I live now…..
You are brave. Don’t let anyone put out your fire.
Writing this helps. So if you made it this far….? Thanks.
Maybe when I close my eyes tonight it won’t hurt so much.
(I’m alright btw just letting you know what goes on in someone’s head when they have an episode of CPTSD)